On romanticizing things
“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.” — C. JoyBell C.
I was in a close (I don’t have any other words to use so..) relationship with a guy back in April up until May. It was nothing near anything — it was basically playing games. And it was that kind of thing that turns out suffocating me. I haven’t felt this level of tiredness for the past couple of years. And I could feel my insecurities started to blow up. I know he was only playing games, but why did I also play his games? I know he was only there to waste his unprecious times… but why did I believe him?
The idea is romanticizing.
This would be a huge lesson for me that not only it made me devastated, it also made me reflect on myself. One can not deny that in order to have some seriousness in their life, one also has to be serious. Or at least that was my initial thinking. I thought that if I turn myself into somewhat a more serious human being, I would also attract those who are serious. I thought that if I play no games, people would also stop play me games. But I was so wrong… It turns out that people couldn’t predict their life and none could predict mine too.
I thought believing in someone would make me more secure. I thought nice words and affirmations make me more secure. Or at least that was what I thought. But it wasn’t. We tend to believe in words and dwell on the uncertainties. Until then we realize we were just fooling ourselves. We realize that we were just playing our own games and after all these time we were just romanticizing fake scenarios.
People tend to believe things that they only want to believe. People tend to hear things that they only want to hear. If things aren’t reciprocating their thinkings, many would dodge away. And it was all natural… until I found myself getting fooled. People tend to have their own ways to believe things, mine was forgetting the red flags. It made me designing my own kind of fake scenarios. All these times I was manifesting my imaginations towards this relationship. I was only exaggerating things. I was romanticizing. And it was… pretty brutal.
I was so keen on this guy that in order for me to be happy, I ignore lots of red flags and start to play lots of fraud stories in my head. If he said A B C, it was ABCDEFG for me. Don’t you understand? I started to see him differently — I saw him as this great person I made up in my own mind. I started to see him differently not because he was doing something big or extraordinary towards me… but I did. He did the bare minimum and I could easily get attached to that. He did the bare minimum and I could easily get moved.
What could I say? I was the game he always wanted to play. I was so easy he started to win trophies.
Then how did I stop? At first, I didn’t. It was all eye-opening the moment I know I deserve better. After all these times and after 10+ writing laters, I told myself that in order for me to really see the good in him, I have also to look into his actions. Dan boom… He did nothing. His virtues were only his words and his sweet mouth. Other than that… he basically has nothing. And I feel ashamed for him. The lesson is: Actions >>>>>> Words.
I told him that he was a douchebag and that he should mind his words before he speaks. That he shouldn’t play any games. I told him he was only playing fire with someone who’s immune to fire. I told him to leave because he was the one who entered. And he did leave. And I THANK HIM FOR THAT. Kadang, there are some goodbyes that you’re grateful for. Ga selamanya berpisah itu menyedihkan. Malah kadang menjadi proses menuju kebahagiaan yang sesungguhnya. Though, if you’re feeling sad ya gapapa juga. Your feelings are valid. Cuman mikir aja, ngapain lo sedihin orang yang jelas-jelas mau sama lo juga engga…
Sometimes, the truth hurts.
Some other times, “almost” also hurts.
Then again, he didn’t play me… He played himself and I was the trophy he could never get.
