I’m finally smiling for me again…
“So I placed my heart under lock and key
To take some time, and take care of me
But I turn around and you’re standing here” ― Deborah Cox
Sebenernya tulisan ini sudah lama pengen ditulis sampai kelar dan dipublish tapi agak sulit because i’ve been trying so hard to find the right words to describe everything. It’s nothing near absurd or vague, it’s too vivid I can finally feel my happiness been floating around. I haven’t got the chance to smile this big since months ago… and it still feels surreal to finally being able to prioritize this shit called happiness... The idea of being happy is somewhat absurd for most people, including me. Happiness and the actual action to be happy somewhat sometimes still perplexed me. But this one, it’s kinda different.
It feels too fast yet also so right at the same time.
I was so fine with being alone because getting attached means the bigger the probability for me to get hurt. I was so over with repeating the vicious cycle of knowing someone else deeper only for it to last only for a short period of time. They say nothing really lasts forever. They also say nothing worthy comes easy. They also say I just haven't met the right person yet… but the idea of having to get back up again with none to hold on to and believing in the uncertainty really baffles me.
I hate getting too attached.
Because in most cases, every time I get too attached, something bad happens. And in most cases, people turn into those they once swear they wouldn’t…And it scares the shit out of me. I hate being somewhat dependent. and it keeps on haunting me… all these what-ifs, late-night thinkings, and self-condemnation. I hate putting my trust in someone else. I hate not knowing, but none could ever predict precisely about the future. I am scared… I really am.
Someone came into my life.
And this person’s too good to be true. Not that he doesn’t have any flaws inside of him, but he’s different. I could feel this one would be good — or even better. What could I say? He ticks almost all of the boxes.
Not that I’m promising on anything, I know I’m just gonna put myself through this and let God do the rest. I’m not gonna rush anything and I’m not gonna force anything juga. Tapi the idea of being so sure when I never feel this kind of sureness somewhat shocks me. Gue gapernah seyakin ini sama manusia karena manusia hanya bisa berencana dan Tuhan yang menentukan. Tapi, there’s this big… hope (gatau kata lain yang bisa gue tuliskan) that this is the turning point. Even when this thing we have wouldn’t work out in the end, I know for sure that this would be magnificent.
We go through life knowing that everything happens for a reason. The same way we believe that with every awful moment comes another extraordinary moment. I was so afraid of getting hurt that I haven’t really let others in… but this time it was out of control. I could finally accept people again and this time it turns out better than before. He treats me so right I think I’m just gonna jump right in. And to find this kind of person when I wasn’t really looking for anything vivid somewhat mesmerized me. I could feel he understands things most people couldn’t even comprehend. We share the same vibes. We share the same stories. We share things equally. And for the first time in my life, everything just feels so right. For the first time in my life, I begin to stop questioning things and believing in the uncertainties.
I know you’ll read this, so…
Here’s to you for being so gentle knowing that I’ve been hurt so deep.
Here’s to you for eating my favorite ice cream while thanking me.
Here’s to you for finding me when I don’t even search for myself.
Here’s to you for being so mature, one would never question your way of thinking.
Here’s to you for holding me when I know none would ever do the same.
Here’s to you for finally accepting your past to incline yours with mine.
Here’s to you for accepting us.
Here’s to many other “here’s to you…” (I hope so…)
Thanking you would be such an understatement, but thank you for coming into my life when I never planned to.
I surely couldn’t give you everything but I’ll try.
