2021: the year of getting it all back together — little by little.
“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” — Paulo Coelho
Been 6 months since the last time I wrote. Not that I haven’t checked medium at all, I just didn’t know what to write. Life has been quite serene these past couple of months. Looking back 2020 was a complete disaster. Turns out 2021 is the opposite polar. 2021 has been a blessing. A huge blessing.
From crying out loud on my way back home from school, crying a day before my big exam, and also feeling betrayed to finally found myself smitten and smiling from ear to ear.
God is good.
Repeat it again:
God is good.
Clarity.
Many favor clarity but later said it’s a bit hard to truly apply it to life. Ask my closest ones, I definitely struggled before. I once found myself in the middle of obscurity — drowning my own self that I stopped thinking rationally. Kayaknya setiap dari kita pernah merasakan hal tersebut, bukan? Menjadi bodoh dan cukup paham bahwa kita sedang melakukan hal bodoh… dan kemudian do absolutely nothing about it. Plain stupid. For exactly 4 years, I was that person. Mencoba melakukan sesuatu dengan sebuah ekspektasi bahwa hal yang gue inginkan akan terjadi. Alih-alih terjadi, it went awry.
I was in this stupid relationship (don’t have any other words to elaborate it) with my own feelings for 3 years. I once ̶l̶o̶v̶e̶d̶ (umm) found my self obsessed with this one particular human being that I — not only lost my self in the process of being obsessed — lost some of my sanity. After 3 consecutive years of being such a dumbass (by dumbass I mean being such a cry puppy and a desperate person circling around the unrequited love cycle), I found myself inside an unhappy relationship. I was an immature moron back then. He was too (to put it equal because he was such a pain in the ass too). In total, I spent 4 years crashing my dignity. And the realization hit me. I never once think in such clear minds.
And because of those 4 years, I once told my mom (lagi-lagi I couldn’t even think clearly) that maybe I won’t really search out for love anymore. And if one day she finds me happy without having to be married, it won’t make her a bad parent. If one day she finds me all alone by myself, it won’t make her parenting an unsuccessful one. What are the benefits of being in love anyway? None. Being in love means you perfectly know how to suffer. They told us that it’s just a matter of who you are suffering with (or for?).
I recited this phrase a couple of times dulu:
“Being in love is pathetically bullshit.”
I was so sure of being alone that I was perfectly fine back then. Being alone brought me peace at least.
Then this lad came along. Gaktau, gaktau bagaimana dan kapan tiba-tiba seluruh prinsip tentang hidup sendiri dan menyendiri seems vague. Bukan vague sih, lebih tepatnya ada manusia yang ternyata bisa menawarkan prinsip lain yang ternyata membahagiakan.
He offers me partnership and companion.
I found myself believing in things I told myself I won’t believe again. At first, I didn’t have that kind of love to afford. I told him that I haven’t seen him as anything other than a close friend. I wasn’t even sure I would reconsider this relationship as somewhat serious. I was so afraid of falling into the same cycle of desperation. And after a hundred times of being rejected, he still stands tall. He still offers me the same thing. Not that I could guarantee things would be as he planned, but I told him I’ll give this a try.
It feels like magic. Yang tadinya gue bener-bener kehabisan akal untuk berpikir secara rasional, he helps me going through that. Pemaknaan dan pendewasaan yang dia contohkan, it helps me going through lots of things. I am not that stupid and pitiful person I used to be.
Then I know, being in love ternyata jauh berbeda dari being in healthy love. People need healthy love. Ternyata being in love saja tidak cukup. You have to be in a healthy love to really have it all. And for me, to find this healthy love is a hard battle. Bayangin, I have to experience bitterness, being beaten out of everything, and lose myself in the process to attain this healthiness.
Being in a healthy love shapes my clarity.
Being in a healthy love heals me.
Being in a healthy love restores my sanity.
Tapi, bukan berarti healthy love itu serta merta lovey dovey doang. It’s not all rainbowsss and butterflies. It’s basically team work. Then again, this kind of work is worth doing.
Maturity
Banyak banget hal yang terjadi di 2021 yang ketika gue ulas lagi, gue merasa bangga telah melalui itu. Mom said these are all the tiny bits of adulthood. Pendewasaan. Been struggling to use that word since 2,5 years ago but I ain’t stopping. Sure, masih banyak banget hal yang bisa diperbaiki dalam hidup ini. The way I think, the way I talk, the way I show my emotions — more over my anger and disappointments — those are one of the many things that I’m still trying to figure out.
Mom said being an adult doesn’t mean I couldn’t show my emotions, it’s about controlling them. Gaakan ada manusia yang bisa secara penuh mengontrol seluruh perasaan mereka (mungkin Dalai Lama bisa kaliya…). Mana ada? Mana ada orang yang benar-benar gapernah merasa kesal ataupun kecewa? Intinya: gaada orang yang ga pernah merasakan hal-hal tidak enak di dalam hidupnya, tapi ada orang yang benar-benar bisa memilih untuk tidak membuat hal tersebut mengontrol mereka secara penuh.
And I’m still trying to figure that out. I still couldn’t really control my anger and how I show my disappointments. At times, I still found them controlling mine. And I loath those moments obviously. Tapi itu deh maknanya, kayaknya. We should lecture ourselves karena telah menjadi sesosok yang tidak dewasa, tetapi tidak boleh lupa bahwa dalam prosesnya kita masih belajar. Gaakan ada yang salah dengan berbuat kesalahan. Gaakan ada ayng salah dengan mencoba dan gagal lagi.
I’ve told about this several times (or even hundred of times):
Making mistake isn’t truly a mistake — denying is.
Jadi, kalau emang salah ya akuin aja. Terima kesalahannya, pelajari kesalahannya, dan berusaha untuk tidak mengulangi. Susah? Jelas. Masih ngulangin kesalahan? Mungkin akan terjadi. Tapi, harus ada usaha untuk beneran mencoba agar tidak terulang — susah tapi pasti bisa.
Other than that, i also learn that not all people would see things with the same point of view as me. I learn that people are so diverse that it would be just fine to have some differences in life. I learn that not all people will also treat you right — and that’s fine too. Frictions are fine when they’re in their right amount. Karena hidup tidak mungkin hitam dan putih, so… Just accept.
intinya dari 2021 adalah
mengutip dari sebuah laman twitter @perempuanpuitiz,
“As i grew older, I learned that the key to surviving the day isn’t positivity, it’s acceptance. Accepting that not all days are good and happy — you will have bad days, you will make mistakes, you will fail, and you will mess up. Everything’s not going to fall into place and that’s… okay”.
CHEERS! Goodbye 2021 ヾ(☆▽☆)
Let’s step into 2022… Shall I? (^人<)〜☆ヽ(♡‿♡)ノ
